Business Jokes

Jokes

Business Jokes

03 October 2018

I am chased all time by great business ideas, but so far, I am faster than them...
15 October 2018

A drunk guy had a bit too much to drink. Walking into a courthouse he yell's "All lawyers are sneaky thieves." A man stands up and says "Hey,don't talk like that to me!" The drunk shouts back "Why, you're a lawyer?" "No", says the man "I'm a sneaky thief."
20 October 2018

A client comes to a bank My cheque was returned with a remark 'Insufficient funds'. I'd like to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?
29 October 2018

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 2 million. 1,3 million are retired. That leaves 700000 to do the work. There are 400000 in school and universities, which leaves 300000 to do the work. Of this there are 200 thousand employed by the government and municipalities, leaving 100 thousand to do the work. Army employs another 4 thousand, and at any given time there are 4 thousand people in hospitals and prisons, leaving 92 thousand to do the work. Now, there are 91998 people right now working outside Latvia - Ireland, Norway, UK. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!
29 October 2018

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
29 October 2018

Please be advised that you have been invited to attend the "SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (S.H.I.T.) program which will enable you to attain the highest levels of work quality and productivity in the IT industry. It is our primary objective to equip all employees with more S.H.I.T. than anyone else in the industry. Employees who have previously undergone this program and are already full of S.H.I.T. are qualified to train others on the basic rudiments of the program called "BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM" (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). For details, please see : DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.) Please be warned that any employee who fails to S.H.I.T. will be automatically placed on "DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION & PROBATION of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING PROGRAM" (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Furthermore, any employee who fails to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to take the one month comprehensive course on "EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING" (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.) Should you require clarifications on this matter, please direct them to : HEAD OF TRAINING SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING ( H.O.T.S.H.I.T. ) For your compliance. Boss-in-General, Special High Intensity Training ( B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)
29 October 2018

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.
29 October 2018

I'm in a business. Really, what business are you in? I'm in the farming business. Oh yeah, how is that working out? I'm outstanding in my field...
29 October 2018

The world is divided into two groups. There are those who know, and those who don't know. Those who know are no problem. Those who don't know are also in two groups. One is those who don't know and know they don't know. Well, they can learn! But then, there are those who don't know, and don't know they don't know. And they become managers!
29 October 2018

How can you tell when a salesperson is lying? His lips are moving.
29 October 2018

CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer. CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer. BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to mistake himself for a financial genius. VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower. P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing. BROKER -- What my broker has made me. STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell. STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock. STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your assets equally between themselves. FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected. MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks. CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet. INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a nuthouse. PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
29 October 2018

A Scottish businessman whose wife had just died wanted to place the least expensive death notice so he went to the newspaper office and asked them to put in an advert saying, "Janet has died". The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge but, for that charge, he could have up to six words. So, the Scotsman added three more words and the advert read: "Janet has died. Toyota for sale"
29 October 2018

Not really business joke, but I do like Chuck Norris theme.. Even Force majeure is powerless against Chuck Norris.
29 October 2018

I am chased all time by great business ideas, but so far, I am faster than them...
29 October 2018

A quote from an interview with the head of a growing company. Journalist asks: - So how many employees are working in your company? - Approximately half of them...
29 October 2018

Boss: "I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase." Employee: "That's because there will be fewer of us doing more work, right?" Boss: "Right, Except for the 'us' part."
29 October 2018

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card: "Rest in Peace." The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist replied, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this: somewhere, there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying: 'Congratulations on your new location!'"
29 October 2018

Employer to a leaving employee: "It is certainly going to be hard to replace you. Especially on the salary we were paying."
29 October 2018

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. The next day, he brought a small sign that read: "I'm the Boss!" He then taped it to his office door. Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
29 October 2018

A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for an accountant. His friend asks: "Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?" The businessman replies: "That's the accountant we're looking for."
29 October 2018

Following is a true story from mid of 1990s in Estonia. Observations on general management style are prepared by a military professional from Denmark who spent a year with Estonian defence forces teaching and coaching: 1. Sauna management When decision is needed, everyone are getting naked and they are entering into sauna. In sauna everyone are equal, no ranks matter there. People drink a lot of beer and at the end of the play decision is being made. It is important to note that deep analyses and facts are not in first priority as decision itself is most important. 2. Helicopter management Boss is never around. Once in a while Boss comes around. In seconds he is creating hell of a strom and chaos all around everyone. Usually he disappears as quickly as he came. As a rule nobody will never get a clue why did he come around or what was the main message he wanted to deliver. 3. Mushroom management People are kept in a dark, isolated from any kind of information. Once in a while people are pulled over with shit. As soon as some head is raising (from shit), it is cutted off immediately.
29 October 2018

Definition: A manager is a person who thinks that nine women can produce a child in one month.
29 October 2018

Job Interview Question You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus: 1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die. 2. An old friend who once saved your life. 3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about. Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that here could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again. The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams." Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
29 October 2018

A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read 'BEST DEALS.' He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading 'LOWEST PRICES.' The shopkeeper panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read: 'MAIN ENTRANCE'
29 October 2018

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants more than 100%. How about achieving 103%? Here's a little math that might prove helpful. If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 then: H A R D W O R K 8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98% K N O W L E D G E 11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96% but: A T T I T U D E 1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100% and: B U L L S H I T 2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103% So, it stands to reason that hard work and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top. And look how far this will take you... A S S K I S S I N G 1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118% Think about it... and have a nice day at work... :)
29 October 2018

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand. "Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?" "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button. "Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."
29 October 2018

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody, but one girl laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you got a sense of humor?" "I don't have to laugh," she replied. "I'm leaving Friday."
29 October 2018

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
29 October 2018

EMPLOYEE WANT ADD TRANSLATIONS Energetic self-starter: You'll be working on commission. Entry level position: We will pay you the lowest wages allowed by law. Experience required: We do not know the first thing about any of this. Fast learner: You will get no training from us. Flexible work hours: You will frequently work long overtime hours. Good organizational skills: You'll be handling the filing. Make an investment in you future: This is a franchise or a pyramid scheme. Management training position: You'll be a salesperson with a wide territory. Much client contact: You handle the phone or make "cold calls" on clients. Must have reliable transportation: You will be required to break speed limits. Must be able to lift 50 pounds: We offer no health insurance or chiropractors. Opportunity of a lifetime: You will not find a lower salary for so much work. Planning and coordination: You book the bosses travel arrangements. Quick problem solver: You will work on projects months behind schedule already. Strong communication skills: You will write tons of documentation and letters.

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